The Aftermath
by Daelyn Paolini
Summary: Hope discovers that it's easy to lose everything you live for, but hard to accept it when it's given back to you. On top of this, he is alone, and misses Lightning more than anyone. *Spoiler alert; post-game; disregard to canon ending and 13-2 as a whole.*
1. One Week, A Few Weeks

**A/N:** I beat the game a couple days ago and decided it was finally time to write something for it. I did 117 hours (much, much unnecessary level-grinding on my overly-cautious part...), and how about everyone else? Anyway, I know there are probably multiple stories like this out there, I even read one just now, but I mean, how many vampire stories are out there? How many werewolf, dystopia, or alternate universe stories are there?

This blatantly disregards the canon ending of 13 and the whole of 13-2 (haven't played it yet, but know the bare basic premise).

Enjoy.

**Warning:** Spoiler alert for those who haven't finished the game. Beware.

* * *

(On a piece of paper taped to Lightning's arm)

Light,

I just woke up. Well, it was a few hours ago, but anyway. Serah and Dajh were waiting. Apparently it's been a week since Fang and Vanille saved Cocoon from a fatal crash-landing on Gran Pulse. The Sanctum is alive and kicking with a base on Gran Pulse and multiple camps set up at the base of the Spire (this frozen pillar of ice at the bottom of Cocoon you'll just have to see when you wake up). But they're doing a lot better now. The people of Cocoon have decided that the old order is out of the question with the way things ended.

Anyway, that's just the tip of the iceberg. Everything else can wait to be explained until you wake up. Which I hope you do soon. Me, Serah, and Dajh are all excited to show you around our new home world (even though we pretty much saw enough ourselves for a lifetime when we got here a while back).

I miss you a lot. Wake up soon.

Come see me,

Hope.

P.S. Everything worked out fine after the battle with Orphan, but that doesn't mean you get to take your time napping.

* * *

(In a journal beneath Hope's bed)

To my crazy self,

I woke up from crystal stasis a couple weeks ago. Just me. I was able to write Light a note before my dad dragged me to our temporary apartment. I miss her a lot. It hurts when I think about her. It hurts my eyes, my throat, my chest. I know she'll wake up, but I'm afraid I'll be alone and grow old and die before she does. I mean, I don't even know how this eternal life thing works out after you've woken up. Is the eternal life what sleep you get in crystal stasis? Or is crystal stasis the thing that prepares your body for eternal life? Nobody knows. But we're all worried, even if we won't acknowledge it.

My dad is forcing me to see a therapist, too. It started when he found out about my "night terrors." I guess my "lack of appetite," "constant" anxiety, and..."paranoia" worried the old man a little too much that when he found out I tend to have nightmares it sent him over the edge. And now my therapist is having me write in a journal every night and say how I feel and what happened to make me feel that way. Well, my therapist suggested it and my dad won't let me sleep until I've written at least half a page. So, from my point of view, it's still the therapist's fault. As I write, my dad's watching me from the living room.

Anyway, I think I've written enough. I'm really tired and it's getting late.

I hope Light wakes up soon.

* * *

_"The lonely crept into bed with me last night;_

_It said, 'Don't worry- I won't bite.'_

_And I guess it didn't lie to me_

_Because as far as I can see_

_There's not a mark on my person._

_But there's pain everwhere."_


	2. Two Months

To Light,

Life here on Gran Pulse is exciting. Everyone is constantly moving, like a nest of Amphisbaena. No one knows when to stop, they're all going, bustling about the Spire, obsessed with rebuilding. Reconstruction is what they're calling it. A whole bunch of scholars are writing everything down, saving for after it's over so they can teach the kids. "History in the making," they say. "The birth of a new nation." Whatever. It's all so irritating.

So, since it's been two months since I woke up, I decided to get a second journal and visit you as often as I can to write to you. Which can't be too hard, seeing as how they moved your crystal (along with Sazh's and Snow's) into a park they've dedicated to the six of us Pulse l'Cie. Somehow, word got out -the truth, in fact- about the whole Orphan scandal, along with Barthandelus and his deal, and now everyone is calling us heroes. Boy, Snow's gonna' be happy when he hears that. I can just see the smile on his face.

Another thing I forgot to mention last time: your brand will be gone after you've woken up. Mine is. So is Serah's and Dajh's. By the way, they're doing great. Don't worry about Serah, she's a strong girl. The two are staying together with a foster family in City Spire, which is this huge metropolis that surrounds the Spire for miles. If you can call it one! It's just a bunch of tents and temporary homes and shops until they can make it the way a city is supposed to be. It'll probably take longer since the fal'Cie are no longer in the picture. Nobody knows what happened to them. They just disappeared.

Anyway, that's all for today. I need to do some shopping for school. It starts next week, by the way. Hope you're faring well in your crystal slumber.

Can you hear me when I greet you as I walk up to your statue? I faintly remember whispers from Serah and Dajh. So faint that I'm not sure I can even call them memories. I don't know...

Good-bye for now,

Hope.

* * *

To my crazy self,

I had a panic attack yesterday when I was shopping. It was after I had talked to Light. I left her, and everything was alright for a little while, but then the noises of the people just got to me. The crowds were worse in Palumpolum and I could always deal with that no problem. I was used to it. I AM used to it, aren't I? I don't know, I just, I just couldn't breathe. There was SO MUCH noise and so many people. They all started staring at me. I screamed at them to leave me alone and they all started to surround me. And then it was like I went into survival mode or something. I don't know. I was so scared of them. I thought they were gonna' kill me. I ran for it. I don't, I just ran.

The City Spire Guardian Corps. found me later that night, hiding in a hollowed out tree trunk like we would do when Pulsian predators came our way. My dad was freaked. I didn't know what to tell him, he didn't know what to say, so he just took me home and sent me to bed. I couldn't sleep, though. Once, I did fall asleep, but had one of my night terrors that probably woke up the whole block. So I just laid in bed. Thinking about how much has changed.

It's frightening, really, how much everything has changed. I don't have to kill something to get food. I don't have to look over my shoulder every time I go and get something to drink, or walk from one room to another. I don't have to be afraid of an ambush, or accidentally disturbing some blood-thirsty and long-sleeping beast. Peace. Peace here, peace there. I can't stand how much peace there is! How can I not just accept the fact that everything's okay? How can I not be okay with being okay? Why? WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY

Everything isn't fine, you know? My therapist says it is. My dad says it is. Even Serah and Dajh say everything's fine. But I'm not. I'm not fine, and to them that's not okay. I'm so alone in this, Lightning, and I don't know what to do.

Wait, why did I just say your name? Why am I acting like I'm writing this to you? I already talk to you all of the time and write you letters and now my journal is becoming another thing for you? What's wrong with me?

I'm so scared and confused right now. I have to stop writing before my head explodes.

I'm sorry.

* * *

_"Crumbling around me, the sky is falling_

_It's breathtaking, fearful, and crawling_

_All over my skin_

_I can feel that it's close to the end_

_And I will not give up Hope,_

_Yet. Please don't abandon me."_

* * *

**A/N: **Much longer, I know. Sorry. Also, I gather that Hope is being a little OOC. Hey, he's stressed. I don't blame him.

Please review.


	3. Four Months

To Light,

Hey, Light. It's been a while since I last wrote to you. I kind of had this stupid hope that you would wake up before I got the chance to. Part of me has frozen over just like your body. That part doesn't think I'll ever see you for you again. See your rosy hair, your turquoise eyes, the lovely pale of your skin. That part of me thinks you're dead.

Snow woke up. I was right about how he'd feel. Four months late, I told him, but he was still so excited. Some people carried him on their shoulders after he woke up. There was a party, a celebration in all of City Spire that not one household did without. Another hero was awake. Someone stronger, better, more handsome, and more capable than me was here to speak for us. Gladly, everyone accepted him over me.

I'm sorry, I'm depressing you, aren't I? As I look up at your glowing face, it's like I can't feel you staring at anything anymore. You're looking up at the sky, like you're stuck in some sort of crystal trance you're unwilling to wake up from.

I've put my hand in yours and all I feel is freezing crystal. How can you be alive in there? Where did your spirit go? Where are you, Light? Why won't you wake up and share your eternity with me?

I have to go.

Bye Light.

* * *

To my crazy self,

I can't stop thinking about Light. She's helped me these last two months since my panic attack, but I can't figure out how. She's dead. I just can't accept that, though. Her and Sazh both. They can't be alive. Fang and Vanille lasted centuries because of their Focus. We completed our Focus. Light's asleep forever, and she'll never wake up, and that means she's as good as dead.

But still, every time I visit her crystal statue, I feel comforted. Do I have feelings for her? I've written letters to her, but never to Sazh or Snow. Someone's knocking on the front door, I've got to go.

* * *

Snow was here. And he brought quite a conversation with him.

He brought me the envelope I taped to Light's arm, threw it at me, and said that I was a child and I had no right to behave like I was toward Light. He said the implications were terrible and that I should leave well enough alone and move on. He said as long he never saw that envelope on Light again, he wouldn't tell my father. He threatened me. He said I shouldn't be in love with her.

I hate him. I hate him so much more than when he let my mother die, because now it's one stacked on top of another. He took my mother away from me, and now he's going to take Light away from me when I haven't done anything wrong.

Why is everything falling apart? This is ridiculous! Snow is an absolute idiot! I mean, Serah looks like a child compared to Snow. Has he never considered that? How creepy it is? I'm so angry I can't even write. When I get the chance, I'll confront that... that... that...

* * *

"_It's like trying to control the clouds_

_Make them go up or down,_

_Make it rain or make it shine_

_This fate is neither yours nor mine._

_Oceans and oceans away from you_

_Miles and miles from any clue."_

* * *

**A/N:** Has anyone every read _Ella Minnow Pea_? I did when I was in the ninth grade, and I resented it due to its letter format. And here I am, writing a story for fun in the form of multiple letters and diary entries.

Go figure.


	4. Four Months and One Week

To Light,

Light, I need to tell you something. Ever since I woke up from crystal stasis, I've been having these…monstrous nightmares, every single night. Lately, I was too afraid to go to sleep the first month or so, but now I couldn't sleep if I wanted to. I've been awake for two days now and it doesn't look like I'm going to sleep anytime soon. It's frightening, but since I'll see my therapist tomorrow, I'll talk to him about it. Maybe that'll help.

In other news…well, there is no news. Reconstruction is going well. Serah just moved to Bodhum for her education (however, Snow stayed behind to help with Reconstruction). She's staying with one of Snow's friends, Lebreau, who gave her a job at her café. Dajh really misses her, but I've been helping him through it. I know you might not be happy to hear that she's associating with NORA (and believe me, I don't really endorse it either), but we all know she's fully capable of taking care of herself. She's a lot like you, you know. She's independent, strong, intelligent, beautiful, and determined.

I guess that's all there is to report now.

Hope.

* * *

To my crazy self,

I saw Light today. Finally told her about my nightmares. It felt good to admit that to her, even though she's not really reading it or anything. It's just a nice feeling to believe I'm talking to her.

Also, for the last two months, school has been horrible. I was hazed the whole first week, which was fine and all (not really, but it doesn't really matter), because it was done out of good fun. But then this group of guys, pigs really, keep attacking me, ruining my stuff, and all around making my time at school total hell.

I thought of fighting back, but that wouldn't be fair. And then, they would see me as some sort of monster, wouldn't they? Like I was infected by Pulse or something. I told my therapist, and he said I should just ignore them, which I did and still do, but that didn't stop them. They kept at it just as hard as when they first started. They're evil and ugly guys, with nasty teeth and a nasty odor following them sometimes (I think it's drugs).

All in all, my crazy self, life has sucked since I woke up. Without Light, I don't have anyone to talk to. The therapist, yeah, but there's no emotion in that. He doesn't really care for me. In fact, I don't think he actually understands. I wish I had never woke up from crystal stasis. That state of oblivion was so peaceful, so wonderful in hindsight.

I ache for that same solace.

* * *

**A/N:** I enjoy writing this story. I know it won't be very long, and that's comforting. This is more my pace than my Soma fic, which is...something else, I'll tell you that. Anywho.

Hope you enjoyed, and please review.


	5. Six Months

To Light,

YOU'RE DEAD, AREN'T YOU?

AREN'T YOU?

Or do you not want to wake up? I wanted to wake up. And I thought everyone else wanted to as well. Before we turned to crystal, we all had this determination that we would stick together, and we would wake up. Wasn't that an unspoken deal between the four of us? Or was there doubt in your mind when you said that? Did you go into crystal stasis not wanting to wake up? Why, Light? How could you betray me like that?

I still hope that you'll wake up one of these days, but part of me believes that it's not in your mind to ever wake up.

Regretfully,

Hope.

* * *

To my crazy self,

While I was visiting Light, Snow came up to me. He was acting friendly at first, until he took the journal from my hand. I said it was personal, but he insisted that he check it out. He read the latest entry, and then dropped the journal in my lap and walked away.

Earlier this evening, he came to my house while my father was working and instigated an argument. He said it was wrong for me to feel the way I did about Light, that I should throw the journal away and forget about her. He said I needed to move on, that the past is done with and I should look forward to the future. He said I need to grow up and face my problems and just forget about Light, because that was in my and Light's best interest.

When I punched him, he didn't do anything to block it or retaliate. I hesitated, then punched again a couple more times. I screamed at him, that he didn't know what was in our best interest, that he wasn't my dad and he shouldn't act like he knew what was best for everyone. I was enraged. Eventually, he punched me back, then kneed me in the face when I fell to the floor.

"I'm sorry, Hope. You're just a little kid, I shouldn't have done that," he said as he tried to help me to my feet.

He kept telling me to forget about everything, my time on Gran Pulse and the time of my life the Sanctum took away from me. He said it was wrong of the whole of Cocoon to put such a young boy under so much pressure and stress. I told him I hated him and screamed for him to leave. With a pathetic apology, he did.

Words cannot even begin to describe how much I despise that man.

I hate my therapist, too. After I told him about my sleeplessness, he said for us to wait to see if it persisted anymore. After another month, he said that I would be better off in the care of a professional. Is a therapist not professional enough? Does he want to throw me into the loony bin and never let me out? Either way, I had any appointment with a psychiatrist the next month and they prescribed me a lot of pills. My dad went along with it like it was a grocery list.

Now I'm doped up on everything under the sun; anti-anxiety medication, anti-depressants, sleeping pills, and some other things. Mostly I feel numb, which I guess is better than what I felt before, but I can still feel this…fire in me sometimes. Like the one that exploded in Snow's face.

My face really hurts, so I'm gonna' stop writing and go put some ice on it.

* * *

**A/N: **Depressing, yah, but nobody said this would be a happy story. I am _really_ interested in everyone's opinion about this story, so please leave a comment. They've made it a lot easier to do so nowadays, so there's no excuse not to say something.

Ciao.


	6. Eight Months

**A/N:** At this point, I consider Hope fifteen.

* * *

To Light,

I miss you so much. I can't even begin to explain to you how much I hurt for you to grace my presence every day. I remember our time in the Gapra Whitewood and Vile Peaks. You helped shape me into the person I am today. At least, for the most part. You made me strong, you made me think, you made me feel so many more things than anyone could ever make me feel. You led me to closure because you cared so much about me. You comforted me, listened to me, you…you…

Light, please, for the sake of the Maker, WAKE UP.

* * *

To my crazy self,

I have to be open about my feelings for Light. I've been talking with my therapist about it for a while, and I agree that I need to write it down and get it over with. I need to acknowledge how I feel.

I really, really care for Light, in ways that take my breath away. She was my best friend. I wish she still would be, but she's asleep.

My therapist keeps telling me that I can't control when Light will wake up, and neither can she. He said no one can, and that I should try to accept that and take charge of the things I can control, and all sorts of other psycho-babble. Who does he take me for? I know she's never waking up!

(The following handwriting is too illegible to comprehend)

* * *

I had to take a break from writing. I…I started to cry, and…and I hurt myself. I cut myself. I've been doing that for a couple months now. It gives me a sense of relief, and helps me feel in control of things. Like, with my dad, he doesn't understand anything about how I'm feeling. He doesn't care that I hurt like I do. He expects me to be happy with life. He doesn't understand how hard that is. And then the bullies at school who are so persistent in their relentless assault against me.

And Light. How she's left me all alone, how she's left me with no where to turn, how she refuses to wake up.

And my mother. I never had the chance to

I can't stand this. I have to cut again.


	7. One Year

To Light,

I've been having a really rough time without you.

I was put on medication, which I stopped taking the other day.

I got into a fight with Snow at one several months ago.

And most recently, my dad has moved us to Bodhum. He says it's for a healthier atmosphere, but that's a lie. If anything, this atmosphere is worse for obvious reasons. It's obvious we moved here because of a job he was offered. I'm not saying my dad is a horrible person, he's just…ignorant? Either way, I really miss you, Light. It's been a while since I've seen your crystal statue…even if you're never waking up, it was comforting to at least see your face…

Hope.

* * *

To my crazy self,

My new school is no better than the one in City Spire. In fact, it's worse. No one respects me for what I did. No one cares about that. To all of them, I'm still a Pulse l'Cie, disgusting and infectious. Within the first two weeks, I was so sick of being bullied by everyone that I fought back. I burned one of the guys kind of bad. I ended up being expelled. Ever since then, I've avoided school. I even stopped seeing my new therapist. No point.

Me and my dad have been having it rough since we moved here. He's threatened to send me to an inpatient facility if I don't "get my act together." He said he's been trying so hard, and that he's "so tired of my BS." He's hit rock bottom, and he doesn't even know that I haven't found MY rock bottom.

He's in for a surprise if he thinks he can get rid of me that easily. I fought Barthandelus alongside Light, Vanille, Fang, Sazh, and Snow. I think I can take care of myself if he wants me out of the house. Never. I'll never be hospitalized.

Speaking of Snow, that fool has been yelling at me over video calls for talking to Serah. He says I see her as Light, and that he didn't mean move on to her sister. He said that in front of Serah, who vehemently tried to defend me. Snow shut up and left, but Serah still asked me about what he said after Snow had hung up. We had an open and honest conversation. I told her I saw Light in her, but that she could never fulfill what Light gave me. And it's true. Light gave me something so unique, so special that NOTHING on Cocoon or Pulse could ever equate to it.

* * *

**A/N:** Don't forget to reviiieeew, people.

Wonder whatcha guys think?


	8. One Year and Four Months

To Light,

HOW DARE YOU TREAT ME LIKE YOU HAVE BEEN. YOU'VE ABANDONED ME. I TRUSTED YOU, WHAT YOU SAID. YOU SAID YOU WOULDN'T EVER LEAVE ME, THAT I WOULDN'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT BEING ALONE. YOU LIED TO ME, LIGHT. YOU LIED TO ME, YOU HURT ME, YOU'VE BROKEN ME.

Why, Light? That's all I want to know…why…why did you do this to me, make a promise you knew you wouldn't keep? Why? It hurts so bad, so bad that you can't even imagine…

Light. How could you?

* * *

To my crazy self,

I can't believe I trusted Light. She betrayed me, she hurt me, she, she, she…she's wounded me so bad. I'm giving up on her. I'm never writing to her again.

I'm unrecognizable to my father now. He said so when he found out about my cutting. He said I'm no longer Hope Estheim, and therefore no longer his son. He said that I have six months to get a hold of myself, or he's going to hospitalize me.

Part of me knows that he's right. And if I'm no longer Hope, I am no one. If I am no one, I should not exist. I said in a previous entry that I ache for the same solace found in my crystal sleep…maybe I could…maybe I could do it myself. Maybe I could…

* * *

**A/N:** Is this Hope's last diary entry? I could certainly make it Hope's last diary entry and let you infer his successful suicide attempt. What could prevent this?

A review, perhaps?

Hehe, threats. As vain as they are, they're still fun.


	9. Two Years

**A/N:** I consider Hope sixteen at this point. Sorry for the disappearance. Your reviews are actually the things that have encouraged me to write this, that have inspired me to something greater that I think all of you will love. I am in debt to the following, wonderful reviewers.

JediMayukiDaAWESOME

Fanfic Fan

rachael-ly

JadeFarron

That One Reviewee

I appreciate your existence.

* * *

To my crazy self,

Sazh woke up five months ago. He and Dajh have been reunited by now, living together in a colony not too far from City Spire. I wish I could say that I'm happy for them, but that's an emotion I haven't felt for an impossibly long time.

I tried to kill myself four months ago. Because of that, I was institutionalized for two months, but abruptly pulled away from that scene due to my father. He moved us to City Spire because of a better job offer.

I think I might have seen some improvement in myself while I was there. I think I was beginning to cope with everything that happened to me after the Purge and up until then. They had me on some strong medication, intensive therapy, and a lot of other things going on, and it all worked for the better, I think. I hope.

But now, here I am, writing in this ratty old journal for the millionth time, for I don't know what reason. There is no reason. There is no reason in anything, not that I can find. However, with my father constantly watching me, or having someone else do so, there's no way for me to act on those emotions. Not yet, anyway. Not yet.

City Spire is horrible. I have a job that I could care less about, but my dad won't stop pressuring me about it, so I have no choice. I work at an academy alongside a girl –a payless helper- younger than me. Her name is Alyssa and it breaks my heart every time I see her. She's just so...content...so happy... So everything I'm not.


	10. Three Years

To my crazy self,

My father's job has been stable. We live in a luxury apartment on the South side of City Spire. It's called the Gallant Quarter, filled with high rise apartment buildings, three story houses with pools that aren't necessarily on the first floor. A nice place to live, a nice place to die. Which leads me to my second point.

I'm celebrating my seventeenth birthday in the hospital. I nearly bled to death last night, but you can see how that went. I'm writing now, aren't I? I think they're going to institutionalize me for quite a while once my father checks me out. He hasn't been able to because he's been up in Cocoon on some office retreat.

How I love my father.

Last night, I thought I had done it. It was accident, of course, but…after I woke up, I felt cheated. I felt like something had been stolen from me. I don't really understand what that feeling is, but…. I liked the way it felt when I was lying on the bathroom floor of my bedroom, bleeding out. It was so peaceful, and I was so content. It stuns me to think I actually felt that way. I want it back.

* * *

**A/N:** The next chapter will be the last.


End file.
